Monthly Archives: August 2012

Yay! It’s What the F**k Friday!

Starting on a serious WTF note, South African miners are being charged in the deaths of 34 of their fellow workers, even though it was the police that fired into the crowd of a few thousand people. The disgusting irony is that this absurd legal method was frequently used by the Apartheid government in its last attempts to cling to power. The charges aren’t likely to hold up in court, but its a devastating morale killer for a country on the brink of political and social turmoil. On a more positive note, many of the South African youth I worked with during my time there realize that Apartheid can’t be used as an excuse for underachieving. Read more about the inspiring youth who share this attitude here.

Ok, back to fluff. Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice of The Spice Girls) and Russell Brand (Katy Perry’s ex) are rumored to be dating. Normally, I don’t pay attention to celebrity crap but this one bothers me. I thought more of you Geri, I really did.

A couple months ago, I told you how India has solved the problem of your vagina being too brown. India has done it again! Your vagina is too droopy, ladies, and since you have all that extra shame and money lying around, here’s a new product for you. Meet “18 Again,” the Vagina Tightening Gel, guaranteed to make you feel like an object like a virgin again! Come on American “job creators,” you’re letting India win. Someone start a small business. Seriously. I mean it. This is something the government can’t do and I won’t be pussy whipped by India. USA! USA!

You can’t do long division when you’re 11, but you can become an ordained minister. This is America. I can’t say anything else, because I think it’s wrong to be mean to innocent 11-year-olds. But Christ on a cracker, this is weird.

Speaking of babies, England thinks their faces can be used to reduce crime. I applaud this. Finally, babies are good for something. I’m sick of these little freeloaders not paying taxes and only contributing stink and noise to society. If only we could use baby faces to pay down the national debt. Quick, to the idea machine! The article also notes other creative ways to reduce crime, including emitting a noise that only people under 25 can hear because apparently people under 25 are dogs.

And finally, 20 people who don’t know that The Onion is a fake news site. Here’s more, if you’re not satisfied with just 20…and you shouldn’t be.

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Hitch Video of the Day

I had a different video for today, but now it’s going to have to wait for tomorrow because this happened. A prominent Catholic friar grieving for “poor Jerry Sandusky” because children are the real seducers. That calls for a Hitchens rant on the Catholic Church. Happy WTF Friday!

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August 31, 2012 · 3:07 pm

Links I Like

Yesterday was Michael Jackson’s birthday and Buzzfeed compiled an awesome list of YouTube tributes to the King of Pop. It includes the “Thriller” prison dancers that I’m sure we’ve all seen, along with a Weird Al parody, plus some very cool videos that I’ve never seen, including acoustic and a capella covers ranging from Akon slowing down “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” so we can understand the lyrics, to a neat “Billie Jean” cover by Coldplay to really talented people you’ve never heard of, like the guy who plays “Beat It” using a piano and an electric guitar. The 16-year-old kid singing “Who’s Loving You” is fantastic (you’ll have to fast forward through the first couple minutes to get to the actual singing). If you love MJ, you’ll love these tributes. Enjoy! 

Was the “Dark Lady” of Shakespeare’s sonnets a prostitute? Scholars say they’ve unearthed new documents that suggest yes.

Trotsky’s grandson recalls life in Mexico with his grandfather and his assassination by ice pick. Chilling. (I’m sorry for that…but it really is!)

Who’s behind the Google logo doodles that celebrate important days in history? Find out here.

And finally, the White Cliffs of Dover are breathtakingly beautiful, but why are they so important to the British? The BBC covers their fascinating history.

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Hitchens Tribute Week – Quotes for the Day

I miss Christopher Hitchens dearly during this election season. He could see through the bullshit and he fearlessly and cleverly skewered everyone, Left and Right. Here are some of my favorites:

On George W. Bush:

“What did he do to be shorn at birth of his Herbert?”

“He is the least smart guy ever to have sought the office; a dingbat and a stumbler and a dyslexic and a former piss-artist who has the same chance of finding his own rear end with both hands as he once had of parking his car without scraping a wall.”

On Bill Clinton:

“If you want to put Clinton’s principles to the test, make sure to be the last person to have spoken to him. The man is like a big, fat cushion. He bears the impression of whoever last sat upon him.”

“It’s one thing to say, with reasonable confidence, that the Oval Office is currently occupied by a war criminal, a rapist, and a pathological liar. It’s another to ponder the full implications. If half of what one knows about Clinton’s business deals and date-rapes is half-true, then he has been going through political life for years, aware or quasi-aware that any or every telephone call might be the one he has been dreading. That’s more stress than most of us could take: Only a certain kind of personality could be expected to endure it. You can find this under the simpering liberal media description of ‘Comeback Kid,’ or you can check it in a taxonomy of an entirely different kind, where the key phrase is ‘Threat to self and others.'”

“I had become utterly convinced, as early as the 1992 campaign, that there was something in the Clinton makeup that was quite seriously nasty. The automatic lying, the glacial ruthlessness, the self-pity, the indifference to repeated exposure, the absence of any tincture of conscience or remorse, the awful piety – these were the symptoms of a psychopath.”

“He lies even when it won’t do him any good – a bad sign.”

On Clinton and Newt Gingrich:

“These two bloated, Southern-strategizing, God-bothering, pot-smoking, self-pitying, draft-dodging, wife-cheating, unreadable-book-writing, money-scrounging bigmouths and pseudo-intellectuals lean on each other like Pat and Mike, in a shame-free double-act where all the moves and gags are plotted in advance. Indeed, the last election campaign was explicitly ‘Clinton-Gingrich ’96.'”

On Newt Gingrich:

“He has a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in his office. He has a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in his skull…”

On George Galloway:

“Unkind nature, which could have made a perfectly good butt out of his face, has spoiled the whole effect by taking an asshole and studding it with ill-brushed fangs.”

On Al Gore:

“…He actually does resemble a bronze condom stuffed with walnuts.”

On John Kerry:

“He has a choice of several houses he can live in, but I hope in each of these houses there is only one bathroom. Because if there were two, I wouldn’t back him to be able to make up his mind which one to use.”

“…There is the pleasure of seeing him take every side on abortion and gay marriage, while waving deer-rifles in swing states, and getting names of local teams and stadiums just that little bit wrong.”

On Mitt Romney:

“Entirely lacking in dignity or nobility (or average integrity) is the well-heeled son of a gold-plated church who wants to assume the pained look of martyrdom only when he is asked if he actually believes what he says. A long time ago, Romney took the decision to be a fool for Joseph Smith, a convicted fraud and serial practitioner of statutory rape who at times made war on the United States and whose cult has been made to amend itself several times in order to be considered American at all. We do not require pious lectures on the American founding from such a man, and we are still waiting for some straight answers from him.”

“The Mormons apparently believe that Jesus will return in Missouri rather than Armageddon: I wouldn’t care to bet on the likelihood of either. In the meanwhile, though, we are fully entitled to ask Mitt Romney about the forces that influenced his political formation and—since he comes from a dynasty of his church, and spent much of his boyhood and manhood first as a missionary and then as a senior lay official—it is safe to assume that the influence is not small. Unless he is to succeed in his dreary plan to borrow from the playbook of his pain-in-the-ass predecessor Michael Dukakis, and make this an election about competence not ideology, he should be asked to defend and explain himself, and his voluntary membership in one of the most egregious groups operating on American soil.”

On Barack Obama:

“Not to dampen any parade, but if one asks if there is a single thing about Mr. Obama’s Senate record, or state legislature record, or current program, that could possibly justify his claim to the presidency one gets…what? Not much.”

On Michael Moore:

“The laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious, ignorant and so on. And they’ve taken as their own, as their representative American, someone who actually embodies all of those qualities.”

“I never quite know whether Moore is as ignorant as he looks, or even if that would be humanly possible.”

On Princess Diana and Mother Theresa:

“By the way, what have we ‘chosen’ for our idols and icons? A simpering Bambi narcissist and a thieving, fanatical Albanian dwarf. Nice going.”

On Ronald Reagan:

“To listen even very briefly to Ronald Reagan is to realize that here is a man upon whose synapses the termites have dined long and well.”

“Ronald Reagan is doing to the country what he can no longer do to his wife.”

“…Every word he says is a lie, including the words ‘and’ and ‘but.'”

On Tip O’Neill:

“O’Neill seems to think that if you add the word ‘football’ to the word ‘political’ and if you use the phrase ‘the American people’ as often as seems bearable, you have disgraced dissent and made conformity into a patriotic virtue.”

On Richard Nixon:

“But, like almost anybody, he could imagine an exception where abortion might be excusable or even desirable. ‘There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white. Or a rape.’ The association of ideas between the first mental picture and the second one is so clear as to be—if it were not so hideous—pathetically laughable in an individual, and really quite alarming in a president of the United States.”

“…The thought of the Nixon gang in the White House still infuses me with a pure and undiluted hatred and makes me consider throwing up things that I don’t even remember having eaten.”

On Sarah Palin:

“It is not snobbish to harbor grave doubts about somebody who seems uninterested in reading for pleasure or recreation and whose only interest in her local public library is sniffing round its shelves for books that ought to be removed for expressing impure ideas.”

“Sarah Palin appears to have no testable core conviction except the belief (which none of her defenders denies that she holds, or at least has held and not yet repudiated) that the end of days and the Second Coming will occur in her lifetime. This completes the already strong case for allowing her to pass the rest of her natural life span as a private citizen.”

“This is what the Republican Party has done to us this year: It has placed within reach of the Oval Office a woman who is a religious fanatic and a proud, boastful ignoramus. Those who despise science and learning are not anti-elitist. They are morally and intellectually slothful people who are secretly envious of the educated and the cultured. And those who prate of spiritual warfare and demons are not just “people of faith” but theocratic bullies. On Nov. 4, anyone who cares for the Constitution has a clear duty to repudiate this wickedness and stupidity.”

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Video of the Day – Football time!!

Sadly, this is probably the best thing the football team will do all year. Excellent song choice of “Seven Nation Army” and excellent dig at Northwestern. WE are Chicago’s Big Ten team. GO ILLINI!

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August 30, 2012 · 2:53 pm

The first day of the RNC: love and warmth and hands and things that are “real.”

The first night of the RNC was at times confusing and always bloviating (and Hurricane Biden hasn’t even rolled through the area yet). You had your typical variety of attendees, including racists, people who like chanting, people who got off the bus at the wrong stop and wandered inside, and I’m sure some of Todd Akin’s friends who were killing time before their anatomy lesson at the strip club. Don’t fret Democrats, plenty of assholes will show up at your convention too.

The RNC chose the theme, “We Built That.” Ok. What did you build? The building? Part of the national debt? Or is the idea just to point out the other candidate’s stupidity? Let’s play. New DNC slogan: “We won’t put your dog on the roof.” Political slogans just keep getting worse. “We Are The Ones We’ve Been Waiting For.” Whatever the fuck that means. “Yes We Can,” which sounds like what you say to a toddler you’re trying to potty train. Remember when politicians had ideas and brains and quoted great thinkers?

Moving on. The first big speech of the night was delivered by Ann Romney. Ann did a good job of being “warm,” but I’m about as unimpressed with that speech as I was with Michelle Obama’s in 2008, or really any potential First Lady’s speech ever. The thesis is always, “I love my husband, so you should love him too.” This is followed by an attempt to pander a bit to whatever groups he’s not polling well with. For Mitt, that’s women and so Ann wants everyone to know that she “loves women” (Oh for fucks sake, Ann. Are you telling me you’re a lesbian or are you trying to get me to vote for your husband?) and that she and Mitt have a “real marriage.” I hate those fake marriages, they’re a real menace. She once again told us how funny Mitt is without providing any examples. She also wants everyone to know that he got her home safely from a dance. That’s great Ann, but women don’t dislike Mitt because we suspect he tried to feel you up at prom. We dislike Mitt because he reminds us of that guy we went on a date with that one time who told the chef the best way to make the creme brulee and feels the need to tell female football fans that there are two kinds of “safety,” because we are women and we couldn’t possibly know things. That being said, anyone who uses that as their reason not to vote for him is dumb. There are plenty of reasons not to vote for either of the candidates. Likeability is irrelevant at the end of the day. Look how “likeable” Clinton is and he is the biggest douche to ever be President.

Chris Christie took the stage next, apparently under the impression that he is running for President. He talked about his mom for half the speech, for some reason. Then he twisted Machiavelli’s most famous phrase into something that your parents say to you when you get home after a bad prom experience. “It’s better to be respected than loved.” He followed that by reminding us that “this moment is real” (thanks, I was confused) and talked about how awesome he is as governor and barely even mentioned Mitt Romney, the man he’s supposed to be endorsing.

Throughout the day we heard a lot about love…warm love…and tough love…and motherly love…and America love. Also, Rick Santorum talked a lot about hands. It was all very strange and populist and will no doubt be bested at the DNC next week, where we get to talk about the miracle of pap smears and meet lots of “real people.” Joe Biden will say awesomely stupid things because he apparently still has his eye on the 2016 Presidency, which will be run under the slogan: Joe My God. (If you are in fact up there Jesus, please help us all.)

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Image of the Day – You stay classy, Ohio State.

Image

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