Monthly Archives: November 2012

Video of the Day

The Season 2 trailer of “Girls” is out. Weee!!

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November 30, 2012 · 7:55 pm

Yay! It’s What the F**k Friday!

Women want successful marriages and college degrees and fulfilling careers. This has ruined men, because now they have to try harder to be all intellectual and witty to impress their educated girlfriends. Men don’t want to get married and spawn puking, drooling infants with one woman for the rest of their lives anymore and it’s our fault, ladies, says Suzanne Venker in an opinion piece for Fox News. Let’s pull a few gems out of the article, shall we?

“Women aren’t women anymore.” – Yeah, women are no longer women. Our women vaginas have been replaced by ninja vaginas that not only kick out rape sperm but sperm sperm, too. Todd Akin was right, he just blew his information load too soon.

“…women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. Now the men have nowhere to go.” – Way to go, vagina-carriers. Now men have “nowhere to go.” Not to the football game, not to the bar, not to the basement to play video games. Women are everywhere, blocking the way, sitting on our fucking pedestals all angry and shit.

“Men want to love women, not compete with them.” – Women aren’t letting men win, so men are taking their balls and going home, or going nowhere, because they have nowhere to go, remember…thanks to women. That’s funny, because most men I know like a woman to be on or near their intellectual level, so they get their jokes and can have intelligent, meaningful conversations. Also, competition tends to make people more ambitious. CAPITALISM.

“If men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation. Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork.” – Barf. Can we stop building a society on which we blame other people for EVERYTHING? If you’re a loser, it’s because YOU’RE A LOSER. It’s because YOU play video games instead of read, it’s because YOU don’t have any goals. It’s not because your mom didn’t breast feed you long enough, or because you didn’t make the soccer team in eighth grade, or because some girl dumped you. I certainly have my issues with feminism, but don’t be mad at women for having standards and don’t insinuate that we all need to get back in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant and QUIET, you know, “feminine,” in order to save marriage. If men are slackers, it’s because they’re slackers, not because women need to look in the mirror. If women are slackers, it’s because they’re slackers, not because men need to look in the mirror.

Great news everyone! America made sure they followed proper Islamic burial rites for Osama bin Laden. New e-mails show that we did it to the letter, including the reading of Koranic verses in Arabic. I’m so glad we made sure to respect (after shooting him IN THE FACE) one of the most vile creatures to ever live. You know who didn’t get a proper burial? The thousands of innocent people he killed in his lifetime.

A Canadian university has created a puppy room to help students relieve the stress of finals. A puppy room. WHAT THE FUCK, ILLINOIS?!? All I got during finals was walking pneumonia. I guess there’s nothing else to do in a situation like this except blame Canada.

Vanilla latte? That is so non-vomit inducing. You can now put chicken-and-waffles syrup in your latte. Pack it up, America. We’re finished.

Speaking of liquid flavors that shouldn’t exist, here’s some more. Electricity-flavored vodka, anyone?

There’s a vampire running around a Serbian village. No big deal. Also, North Korea claims to have found a unicorn lair. The end of the world is near.

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Video of the Day – Joe-bi-wan Kenobi

Note to my loved ones: when I am on my deathbed, I would like this to be played on a continuous loop at full volume on a huge screen. 8-0 baby.


November 29, 2012 · 8:32 pm

Happy Hour Links

Usually I try to keep the mood light with Happy Hour Links, for the obvious reason. Happy Hour is supposed to be fun and a way to unwind from a stressful work day. But if you’re heading out with a thoughtful and articulate co-worker, sometimes thought-provoking conversations can be enjoyable over that first drink. Actually the whole list below could be your entire Happy Hour conversation. From mature, intellectual conversation to silly conversation about an intellectual subject (Hamlet) to ludicrous conversation about bacon soap to hate-filled rant about Notre Dame. Yep, sounds like Happy Hour to me.

I find the nature of evil and the debate over who was the most evil (Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc.) endlessly fascinating. My answer is always Hitler, because of the little things he did to make an impossibly horrific situation, just that little bit worse. Strategies and policies that took thought, i.e., making Jews pay for their own train tickets to the camps and discounting the children’s tickets, extending the “master race” insanity to household pets, so that Jews had to try and sneak their pet out for humane euthanization before the Nazis confiscated the animals and did god-knows-what with them. That brings us to an incredibly interesting article on Albert Speer, Hitler’s architect. Read, discuss and try to put historical hindsight aside and ask yourself, what would you have done? Here’s an excerpt:

Someone designed the furnaces of the Nazi death camps. Someone measured the size and weight of a human corpse to determine how many could be stacked and efficiently incinerated within a crematorium. Someone sketched out on a drafting table the decontamination showers, complete with the fake hot-water spigots used to lull and deceive doomed prisoners. Someone, very well educated, designed the rooftop openings and considered their optimum placement for the cyanide pellets to be dropped among the naked, helpless men, women, and children below. This person was an engineer, an architect, or a technician. This person went home at night, perhaps laughed and played with his children, went to church on Sunday, and kissed his wife goodbye each morning…Albert Speer did not, as far as any historians know, personally design any death chambers, nor did he personally kill another human being. But Speer did use his brilliant technical expertise and talents to enable the war efforts of the most evil regime in history, allowing it to murder millions of human beings. But even as we condemn him, we must ask — especially we engineers and technicians — is Speer so different from us? How many of us would be willing to compartmentalize our emotions, suppress our consciences, almost to sell our souls, for the opportunity to work on the grand projects that Speer was involved in? How many of us are so focused on solving a technical problem that we fail to contemplate where that solution might lead?

On a lighter note, a Canadian has rewritten Hamlet as a choose-your-own-adventure story and it sounds AWESOME and he’s doing it all for charity. How very un-Hamlet.

Readers will be able to opt to Hamlet (“an emo teen in his early 30s”), Ophelia (“She’s got a +1 science stat, but she’s also got a -1 weakness against water”) or the King, Hamlet’s father, “who (SURPRISE) dies on the first page and becomes a ghost. And then we make fun of you for dying on the first page, but you can become a ghost and must INVESTIGATE YOUR OWN MURDER that you TOTALLY SLEPT THROUGH because you got SLEEPY IN AN ORCHARD.”…”I’ve used the story of Hamlet as a starting point, but a) that’s already a great story because it ends with pretty much everyone in it getting stabbed in the body and b) the story can go in all sorts of fun, crazy directions when you make a choice that Shakespeare didn’t,” said North. “Also unlike Shakespeare I didn’t skip over the pirate scene in Hamlet. You get to fight PIRATES. With SWORDS. And yes OF COURSE you can choose which body part you cut off. Why would you write a book where you can’t do that is my question.”

Gifts for bacon lovers: bacon soap, bacon floss, “baby’s first bacon” talking plush toy. Oh America, how I heart thee.

I woke up this morning, so my hatred of Notre Dame is still intact. Here’s the official hater’s guide in case you don’t know why you should hate Notre Dame. I am also an SEC-hater but I hope Alabama beats you by 50 points, Notre Dame, because FUCK YOU. I would rather listen to a baby cry for 24 hours straight than watch you score one single point. ROLL TIDE.

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Fun-ruiner Bill O’Reilly hates on “Gangnam Style,” calls in a doctor to find out what’s wrong with us

I sometimes watch Bill O’Reilly’s show and I sometimes agree with him. But now you’ve gone too far Bill! A few things:
1. This is the man who whines, on an almost nightly basis during the month of December, about the small percentage of atheists who “ruin” the fun of the holidays by disliking nativity scenes. Who’s the fun-ruiner now?!?
2. This song has words Bill, it’s just in another language. Other languages have words too.
3. I complain about our cultural demise too, but I understand that sometimes people like stupid, silly stuff (like “50 Shades of Grey” and “Gangnam Style”) purely because it’s fun and meaningless. It’s when people say that “50 Shades of Grey” is well-written that I lose my shit. NO ONE is comparing Psy to The Beatles. Relax Bill.
4. You mentioned The Beatles and Justin Bieber in the same complimentary breath.
5. You “get” Justin Bieber. Please explain it to me then.
6. You mentioned THE BEATLES and JUSTIN BIEBER in the same complimentary breath.
7. The pony is awesome. Don’t diminish it.

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November 29, 2012 · 6:22 pm

Sexy Time

A brief and incomplete overview of sex taboos around the world. Don’t have sex during a turtle hunt!

Are you one of those unlucky women who rarely or never has orgasms? There’s a nasal spray for that…soon…maybe.

Here’s a French condom commercial that will make you not want to have sex at all.

You can now reverse engineer a vibrator to respond to your every move, like some kind of awesome Jedi mind trick. “These aren’t the droids vibrators you’re looking for.”

A Christian group says spiritual rapists exist who engage people in demon sex, making them gay. This is according to a stripper-turned-ministry leader who says her encounter with one spirit almost confused her into becoming a lesbian. But then God came along and ruined it “saved her,” because God is a fun-ruiner.

Yoko Ono has a sexy new clothing line for men…if you’re a man who likes a butt window in your pants and a handprint on your crotch. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t? Also, butt hoodie.

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Happy Hour Links

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is almost over, so hurry up and finish your novel…You didn’t do it, did you? You failed again this year. Well, at least have a literature inspired cocktail, in lieu of all the creative characters you DIDN’T come up with AGAIN this year, you fucking slacker.

When AMC came out with Mad Men, I remember thinking, “Yay, they’ve figured it out! Interesting television!” Then I started seeing commercials for The Walking Dead and, being admittedly very judgmental about zombie-themed shows/movies/books (because they’re usually pretty banal), I dismissed it outright. Then AMC played a marathon of the show earlier this year. There was nothing else on TV, I was too hungover to even enjoy reading, and I found myself completely entranced. I discovered that it’s not about zombies at all. It’s about people, survival, love, morality and humanity. Three writers from The Atlantic articulate it beautifully here, understandably inspired by Sunday night’s awesome episode. If you’ve dismissed the show up until now, give it a shot. I can almost guarantee you’ll like it. But start from the beginning of course (you’ll have to rent).

You probably heard last week that “Gangnam Style” is now the most watched YouTube video of all time. Here’s a small tribute to PSY for freeing us from the Internet tyranny of the awful Justin Bieber.

Here’s a history of awesome bad baby advice. Examples: Holding babies for the sake of holding them will turn them into “little tyrants” (possibly true); a spoiled baby is a socialist baby; angry breast milk is not recommended; give babies lard baths and start feeding them bacon and eggs at nine weeks. Maybe this advice isn’t all that bad, I mean, babies are such pussies these days.  Maybe choking on some bacon would toughen them up a bit…you know, for the coming zombie apocalypse.

Pack it up and hit the road, Wonder Woman. You are no longer needed. Now we have Femen, Ukraine’s topless warriors and the self-proclaimed “watch-bitches of democracy,” and possibly my new idols. They inspired Pussy Riot and “defend with their chests sexual and civic equality throughout the world.” Read more about their awesomeness (and see some boobs) here.

The Best New Memes of 2012. Obviously, “McKayla Is Not Impressed” tops my list. “Bad-Joke Eel” is pretty great, since eels always look like they just told a bad joke and are waiting for a response. “Inappropriate Timing Bill Clinton” and “Binders Full of Women” were probably the best part of the entire election. “Skeptical Third World Kid” is classic. Enjoy.

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