The face of Philadelphia and t-shirt cannon shooting has changed FOREVER. No longer will Philly be known as the keeper of the Liberty Bell, the most important city of the American Revolution and that unfortunate city in Pennsylvania that DOESN’T have the Steelers. Who gives a shit about historical nonsense when you have just unveiled the BIGGEST t-shirt cannon EVER! Capable of firing 100 shirts per minute, which means there won’t be a badass in Philly who isn’t wearing a t-shirt that was propelled at their face at practically the speed of light. WINNING.
Lance Armstrong is a cheater and the English are bloody pissed. So pissed that they are burning an effigy of him in an awesome display of overreaction. Members of the Edenbridge Bonfire Society voted to burn Armstrong this year in their annual “Guy Fawkes Celebration” which involves fireworks, burning effigies of famous people and probably watching “V for Vendetta.” You stay awesome, Brits.
Gay, left-wing talk radio host and apparent douchebag, Michelangelo Signorile, told a gay Romney supporter yesterday that he should “kill himself” and that he “shouldn’t be allowed to vote.” Looks like someone wants Rush Limbaugh-like attention, which he won’t get because political parties, like religions, protect their own no matter how disgusting their behavior.
A pet store in Brooklyn is offering a new way to vote: Presidential poop bags. Whose face would you rather use to pick up poop, Romney or Obama? This is actually harder for me than deciding who to vote for, because for some reason I’d actually rather use the face of the guy I’m going to vote for. I’M SO CONFLICTED.
Speaking of loads of shit, get a whiff of this crap. Pro-government supporters in Syria claim that their regime and “heroic Iran” used highly advanced technologies to create Hurricane Sandy and slam it into the east coast of the United States. In America, we usually feel sorry for people who believe in insane and/or impossible conspiracy theories because they are almost always people of minimal intelligence and possible mental illness. You know, the kind who don’t know to put the curtain inside the tub before turning the shower on. Sometimes though, we put them in or around the Obama administration, like 9/11 truther Van Jones and Salam al-Marayati who thinks Israel is responsible for 9/11.
Need a Christmas gift for a person who is impossible to impress? You can buy a life-size replica of the “Game of Thrones” throne for a mere $30,000.
Oprah’s “Favorite Things” List is out and apparently it’s Amateur Hour over in O-Town because someone put truffle oil on the list. Truffle oil: the ingredient that gets you immediately kicked off of every Food Network show should you be idiot enough to use it. Every elitist Food Network watcher knows that, which is why I snubbed my nose and screamed, “Truffle oil is for assholes, you fucking orphan!” at the guy in Whole Foods yesterday who tried to sell me truffle oil when I wanted truffle butter (which is also on Oprah’s list by the way).
LADIES, DON’T WORRY, Honda finally made a car just for us vagina-carriers and guess what??? IT’S PINK!! Oh, thank Aphrodite! Praise be to Venus! Finally, A LADY CAR! With a steering wheel that’s not too big for my tiny hands and a seat to “nest on” because women like “nesting.” If only our tiny brains could learn how to drive, what a market there would be for these UterusMobiles!
Here’s Harry Potter and Don Draper in a bathtub together. WANDS OUT, GENTLEMEN!