Yay! It’s What the F**k Friday!

Women want successful marriages and college degrees and fulfilling careers. This has ruined men, because now they have to try harder to be all intellectual and witty to impress their educated girlfriends. Men don’t want to get married and spawn puking, drooling infants with one woman for the rest of their lives anymore and it’s our fault, ladies, says Suzanne Venker in an opinion piece for Fox News. Let’s pull a few gems out of the article, shall we?

“Women aren’t women anymore.” – Yeah, women are no longer women. Our women vaginas have been replaced by ninja vaginas that not only kick out rape sperm but sperm sperm, too. Todd Akin was right, he just blew his information load too soon.

“…women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. Now the men have nowhere to go.” – Way to go, vagina-carriers. Now men have “nowhere to go.” Not to the football game, not to the bar, not to the basement to play video games. Women are everywhere, blocking the way, sitting on our fucking pedestals all angry and shit.

“Men want to love women, not compete with them.” – Women aren’t letting men win, so men are taking their balls and going home, or going nowhere, because they have nowhere to go, remember…thanks to women. That’s funny, because most men I know like a woman to be on or near their intellectual level, so they get their jokes and can have intelligent, meaningful conversations. Also, competition tends to make people more ambitious. CAPITALISM.

“If men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation. Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork.” – Barf. Can we stop building a society on which we blame other people for EVERYTHING? If you’re a loser, it’s because YOU’RE A LOSER. It’s because YOU play video games instead of read, it’s because YOU don’t have any goals. It’s not because your mom didn’t breast feed you long enough, or because you didn’t make the soccer team in eighth grade, or because some girl dumped you. I certainly have my issues with feminism, but don’t be mad at women for having standards and don’t insinuate that we all need to get back in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant and QUIET, you know, “feminine,” in order to save marriage. If men are slackers, it’s because they’re slackers, not because women need to look in the mirror. If women are slackers, it’s because they’re slackers, not because men need to look in the mirror.

Great news everyone! America made sure they followed proper Islamic burial rites for Osama bin Laden. New e-mails show that we did it to the letter, including the reading of Koranic verses in Arabic. I’m so glad we made sure to respect (after shooting him IN THE FACE) one of the most vile creatures to ever live. You know who didn’t get a proper burial? The thousands of innocent people he killed in his lifetime.

A Canadian university has created a puppy room to help students relieve the stress of finals. A puppy room. WHAT THE FUCK, ILLINOIS?!? All I got during finals was walking pneumonia. I guess there’s nothing else to do in a situation like this except blame Canada.

Vanilla latte? That is so non-vomit inducing. You can now put chicken-and-waffles syrup in your latte. Pack it up, America. We’re finished.

Speaking of liquid flavors that shouldn’t exist, here’s some more. Electricity-flavored vodka, anyone?

There’s a vampire running around a Serbian village. No big deal. Also, North Korea claims to have found a unicorn lair. The end of the world is near.

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