Anyone who grew up in the 90s knows “Legends of the Hidden Temple” was the best game show on TV. Every kid wanted to be on it, navigating through the Cave of Sighs, the Pit of Despair! We wanted to be yelled at by Kirk Fogg, the khaki-pantsed host with the “I-should-be-a-pedophile-in-a-Lifetime-movie” look and his mixed messages. “You’re running out of time!” “You’re doing great!” “You’re going the wrong way!” The phenomenal sweatpants. That fucking silver monkey!!! If you wonder why today’s kids are such pussies it’s because none of them have to endure the cruelty/awesomeness of that show anymore. Yesterday’s little fools are today’s problem solvers and heroes. I bet the guy who shot bin Laden in the face was on that show. Here’s an excerpt from the hilarious article I linked to, which details the most soul-destroying moments of the show:
This is just what this show does to you, man: it rips the ambitions out of your preteen soul and reduces you to a wandering ghoul without short-term memory or long-term ambition. It envelops you in a matrix of horrors. In these three minutes, the waters rise and fall, the fields erode to canyons, civilizations are built and toppled, and at the very end, you are left to cling to a rope, without destination or purpose…You short heroes. You little fools.
Great news! The Mediterranean diet is one of the best diets for your health, especially for those prone to heart disease. The diet includes drinking wine and consuming olive oil, fish, fruits, nuts, and other awesome treats…
One group assigned to a Mediterranean diet was given extra-virgin olive oil each week and was instructed to use at least 4 four tablespoons a day. The other group got a combination of walnuts, almonds and hazelnuts and was instructed to eat about an ounce of the mix each day. An ounce of walnuts, for example, is about a quarter cup — a generous handful. The mainstays of the diet consisted of at least three servings a day of fruits and at least two servings of vegetables. Participants were to eat fish at least three times a week and legumes, which include beans, peas and lentils, at least three times a week. They were to eat white meat instead of red, and, for those accustomed to drinking, to have at least seven glasses of wine a week with meals.
More great news! I found more crap we can cut out of government so that President Obama can stop letting criminals out of jail. The government gives millions of dollars a year to small public airfields, most of which have zero air traffic. That’s right. They’re just sitting there. Empty.
This is Lake Murray State Park Airport, one of the least busy of the nation’s 3,300-plus public airfields. In an entire week here, there might be one landing and one takeoff — often so pilots can use the bathroom. Or none at all. Visiting pilots are warned to watch out for deer on the runway. So why is it still open? Mostly, because the U.S. government insists on sending it money. Every year, Oklahoma is allotted $150,000 in federal funding because of this place, the result of a grant program established 13 years ago, in Congress’s golden age of pork. The same amount goes to hundreds of other tiny airfields across the country — including more than 80 like this one, with no paying customers and no planes based at the field.
I found some other stuff too. Keene, New Hampshire, a town of 23,000 people, gets federal money to purchase small tanks. Fuck that. The Department of the Interior has 75,000 employees, 10% of whom are “conserving the wilderness of Washington, D.C..” HAHAHAHA. SLASH. The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine? They get $130 million taxpayer dollars a year to study yoga and herbs. GOODBYE.
David Axelrod, former Obama
Minister of Propaganda Senior Advisor and Robert Gibbs, former Obama State Secretary for the Enlightenment of the People Press Secretary, recently joined MSNBC as “independent-minded analysts.” Gibbs actually got off to a decent start by telling us that “the most transparent administration in history” told him on day one to never, ever acknowledge that the drone program exists. The Administration has spent the last couple days threatening sweet, old, I-wanna-be-your-grandpa, I-pronounce-Republican-like-Repub-UH-lick-can” Bob Woodward, one of the only men left standing in America who can say, “I may dodder words now, but I once fucked up Nixon. BAD.” Woodward told the White House last week, “I’m going to call you on your bullshit and tell everyone you’re lying.” The White House responded with, “You’ll regret doing that.” Then the White House aide entered Barry’s, I mean Harry’s, body, looked up at Bob Dumbledore Woodward and said, “You’ve lost, old man.” Just kidding about that last part. What actually happened is Darth Vader Obama drew his lightsaber and arrogantly claimed, “Your powers are weak, old man.” Then BOBi-Wan Kenobi calmly and assuredly said, “You can’t win, Barack. If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Kidding again, but goddamn it how awesome would that have been?? In less fun reality, Woodward responded like a boss, by telling everyone about the threat, like a real journalist should.
As I’ve noted frequently over the past year, things are getting really bad for women in Egypt. Egyptian woman like Doria Shafiq and other women’s rights activists, who marched for and achieved women’s rights in the 50s, are being removed from school textbooks. Thankfully, local human rights activists aren’t taking this crap lying down. They have a street art campaign going, using graffiti painted pictures of women to show they will not be removed from public life. Paint on, sisters!
Here’s the UN’s really bad, no good, excrementally evil, demonically rude, gonorrheic rubbish response to the cholera crisis they created in Haiti. You can read about it in detail at the linked article, but basically a UN peacekeeping force was in the middle of an active cholera outbreak in Nepal and then got sent to Haiti without being screened or quarantined or anything and now thousands of Haitians are dead. And the UN’s response is basically, “Oh you want us to take responsibility? Be held accountable? HAHAHAHA WE ARE THE UN. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.”
This is why as much as I can’t stand Republicans, I dislike Democrats more. Because the latter never go away. We will never get rid of the Obamas. They will be with us, pursuing power, forever, just like the Clintons. That’s the nice thing about Republican Presidents. When they’re done, they go away, back to regular, powerless life and are scarcely heard from again.
Bill Kristol has a pretty depressing, but pretty awesome article combining poetry and politics, using lines from Matthew Arnold’s superb poem “Dover Beach.” Our situation is indeed a “darkling plain” and tomorrow will be very telling.
Ever heard the phrase, ” the global village”? Surely, you’ve heard the term “village idiot.” Well, that’s Chuck Hagel…the global village idiot…and our new Secretary of Defense. If you called the man a wit, you’d be half right. Anyway, Chuckles Hagel, foreign policy
scholar trainwreck, put forth his vision once again yesterday that our problems would be solved if we were just a kinder, gentler United States. Holy shit, why didn’t anyone think of this before? If the world could just hold hands and sing kumbaya everything would be great. If America – which is the source of all evil and global problems, everyone knows that, duh – was just a little nicer, everyone would listen to us and be all relaxed and peaceful and shit. Iran would say, “Yeah man, we don’t really need to kill the Jews. Shut down this nuclear program…and pass that bong.” If we would just fart rainbows instead of EVIL, jihadists would lay down their weapons, take off their suicide vests, exchange their Korans for the Declaration of Independence and say, “Forget this Caliphate. USA! USA!” If America would just take the first kind step and make women wear sleeves…SLEEVES…Is that really so much to ask???…Islamic regimes the world over would frolic through the streets, throwing flowers out of baskets, gleefully exclaiming, “Unveil these women! Equal rights for all!” If we would make candy-shatting unicorns instead of nuclear missiles, Russia would free Pussy Riot, China would let Ai Weiwei say anything he pleased. IT’S SO OBVIOUS. GENTLENESS. UNDERSTANDING. CULTURAL RELATIVISM. LOGIC. THANKS CHUCK. Here’s an article outlining all the important things the Defense Secretary does. Under Hagel we will likely soon have a European-sized military to go with our soon-to-be European-sized welfare state. Since the Republicans caved on Hagel, perhaps they should just cave to the President on everything, let the economy suffer, give the voters the economic malaise they asked for in November. Take the H.L. Mencken line, “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”